my sister once said that she heard this saying, "The one thing that humankind has in common is that, no matter how many people are around us, we always feel lonely."

I guess right now, I'm feeling that way... in an intense way... right now.

I feel like I just can't get across to the people close to me exactly WHO I AM. and... it's really not that complex... I AM NOT COMPLEX.

I thought I used to be... but I realize now that it's just hard for other people to see past the end of their noses.

My mom for example... *sigh... yes, she gave me her kidney. I owe her twice for life... but a life that consists of waiting for her for 2 hours and her showing up with food from a sushi restaurant KNOWING that since I was 8, I haven't touched seafood.

My boyfriend for example *double sigh... yes, he's been there for me more than anyone in my life. Spent endless nights in the hospital by my side and suffered my intolerable, medicated, delusional something personality... something emotional... i don't know. something bad. but he has incompetent at having respect for me or my belongings...

He says, "IF I dont get what you want on your pizza, you're going to scream at me like an idiot." (The day after the mother/sushi incident)

I say, "You've known me for 5 years and you don't know what I don't like? or what I do?"

He says, "You're just so particular about your food."

I say,"I just want people to know who I am. Why can't I expect that? When I go out to get something for my mom, I know exactly what she'll eat. And the same for you, I know exactly what you like. Why can't I expect that back?"

He says, "Just get out of my face."

You can't love someone if you don't know them.... but I am loved.. just not really known ... I guess?

Why is everyone scared that I'll get mad? Am i really putting the people I love on eggshells? Are they treading?

Yet I don't ask for HUGE THINGS... I just want the people close to me to know that I don't like seafood, bell peppers, shitake mushrooms, hawaiin pizza....

I just want them to know that I don't like my stuff to be ****** with. Please don't throw trash in my brand new shopping bag with my brand new things in it. Please don't throw my clothes away several times throughout my life just because it's in my room. Please don't use all of my body wash for your decadent bath. Please wipe your hair off of my sink after you use it. Please PLEASE PLEASE please. please please please please please

please please please

please please please please plaease pelae please respect me.

please understnd that i am not the average person who complains about their good life.

 please see that like everyone else... i feel alone...

pleasseee eeesee

i am no one's hero

i am no one's firstplacce

i am no ones

i am just the mediocore 25 year old csun student that has a pity story about having a kidney transplant over a year ago whose heroine is not herself but her always-giving-giving-giving-giving donor mother. living with the boyfriend who is the "angel" ... shadowed by the sister who is the "one that can help dad find a job" .... designated as the one who can hep the always forgiven and always loved "youngest cutest heir to the throne brother."

i am surrounded. i am alone. i want to leave.